My First Time as a Professional Liar

By Jessica Hunter

People ask me what my story is about and all of a sudden I'm at a complete loss of words. It's like when someone asks: What's your favorite song? And all of a sudden your brain goes dead, and you can't even think of the last song you heard let alone which one is your favorite. Song? What's a song? This is exactly what happened to me when I attended the Liars Club this past Sunday, and it taught me a valuable lesson. But first let me go back to the beginning. To the moment I entered the den.

"We're going to sit in the front," SJWG Membership Director Glenn Walker said as we walked into the room. Little did I know, he meant the front front. As in the bright blue table that faces everyone else. The place where the professionals sit. (i.e the people who actually know what they're talking about.)

"You are a professional. If you act like a professional, then you are a professional," he told me when I expressed my concern. As I contemplated my choice, I asked myself, what is it that makes an author a professional? Is it the fact that you’ve published your stories, or is it your passion, your drive, the hours you spend doing the one thing that eventually gets you published - writing. If it’s the latter then yes, I am a professional.

Feeling slightly more confident, yet anxious, I took a seat at the table. Fellow SJWG member Bruce Capoferri offered me some reassurance. "I look in the mirror every morning and say Bruce, you are a professional salesman. Act like it." It reminded me of something Glenn mentioned earlier. "If it's not there, build it."

I needed to build the confidence that I belonged here, or at least fake it ‘til I make it, right? Honestly, I don't know why I was so afraid. It's not like everyone was going to chuck their books and pens at me. However, the room was filing with faces that I would probably see again. And I really wanted to make a good impression— in other words, not say anything stupid.

"What could you possibly say that would be stupid?" Glenn said. He was like the life coach I’ve always wanted.

The meeting started and with it my nerves hit overdrive. Sweaty palms, pounding chest, my thoughts tumbling over one another - we're introducing ourselves if you couldn't tell. But then something wonderful happened. I realized that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

"I panicked," said Dawn Byrne, fellow SJWG member.

"I feel like I'm having a heart attack," said one woman.

“Fake it 'til you make it!” someone shouted.

And then Keith Strunk put the icing on it all. "I’m not afraid to look dumb. Obviously."

I couldn't believe it. All of these established writers were feeling exactly what I was feeling. We were all in the same boat.

Now that the ice was broken, the group started talking about networking— get to know people not their pages, don’t pimp your writing, establish a network before you have something to sell. I was getting so many great notes. Just as I’m jotting down something Keith is saying, I realize that he’s speaking to me. Like he literally just asked me a question. It was then that I realized I wasn’t just a silent observer taking notes. These people had accepted me into their group. I was one of them, I was feeling on top of the world, and then the networking happened.

The first part was great. I spoke to Jon McGoran about our shared habit of writing ideas while driving. I spoke to someone else about yoga and language. I was on such a high. And then I was asked the one thing I didn't want to be asked. "So what's your story about?"

My entire brain shut down. I began babbling and hacking at my story. What is this nonsense you're saying? I thought. The guy was being so nice and patient as he listened to my rambling, but I could tell he was thoroughly confused. He had no idea what my book was about, and it sounded like I didn't know either. In fact I had somehow given him the wrong idea entirely. Just explain the themes, I thought, but even that came out a mess. He was asking all of the right questions geared to help me, all of the questions an agent would ask, and I had the answers, but none of them came out of my mouth. For some reason, my mouth had an agenda of its own, which was: gargle, gargle, gargle, Reapers, gargle, gargle, I'm not going to say anything you're telling me to say brain.

Just stop talking! I was screaming in my head. At this point he had started taking notes, "I'm just trying to get a picture," he said, but that added to the anxiety because now I was like, Why is he taking notes? He’s probably going to give them to me and say, "Get it together Jess!" Nope, he took them with him. When the conversation was finished, I rose from the table feeling paranoid, lost, and dazed beyond control.

How did this happen? How is it possible that I can fully understand my idea, yet butcher it when I try to explain it out loud? I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but it's like, you know the story - you know the plot, the themes, the characters, the twists, the symbolism you've placed throughout, yet still you don’t know how to summarize all of this in a concise way that will do the story justice. Ironically this is exactly how I feel about myself as a human being.

With that said, I left the meeting feeling completely and entirely discouraged. Maybe my story isn't as good as I think it is. But how could that be? I was just drooling over it before I left my house this morning. I'm an avid reader. I know a good story when I read one, but perhaps I am under a delusion spell. I must be blind to what I've actually written. I was now questioning everything, even my skills as a writer. My breaths were constricting, my thoughts were tumbling, it was hitting me like an avalanche. I'm having a panic attack, I thought as I sat in the backseat of Glenn's car.

When we returned to Jersey, I thanked Glenn, climbed into my car, and just sat there for who knows how long. My story totally sucks. And I've forgotten how to breathe. Maybe I should just start over? I thought, but that quickly crashed and burned. I had already fallen in love with my characters and promised them I would tell their story. I can't give up just because a seed of doubt was planted. Right?

So what did I do? I did what I always do when I'm stressed out - I went shopping.

As I'm strolling through the mall with a shirt that I don't need and feeling nonetheless better, a super model, of all people, helped me climb out of this mess. Well, it was actually just a poster in a jewelry story but same thing. Under the woman’s face was a hashtag that read: Don't crack under the pressure. The words reached out and grabbed me. They shook me by the shoulders and said "Stop freaking out! Stop doubting yourself!” It may have just been an ad for diamonds, but it reminded me that despite the anxiety I was feeling, I still believed in my story. And then I realized, I wasn’t freaking out about the opinions and advice I received. I was freaking out because I was afraid of failing. But when it comes to writing, what is failing really? You can’t fail if you’ve learned something. Sure, your book may not be picked up by a publisher, but then you'll self publish, and people will still be able to read your story. I was once told, “If you write a good story, people will freaking read it!” And in the end that's all that matters.

So don't lose hope when you start second-guessing yourself like I did, and definitely don't stop writing. Whatever you do, do not stop writing! (Seriously I'm going to want to read it once you're published) You simply take what caused the doubt in the first place, and learn from it because it is what makes us better writers. And perhaps the lesson you learn won't be about your story, but about you, yourself as a person. That’s what this ride has been for me. I walked into the Liars Club thinking I was going to learn about writing, and I left learning more about myself.

I couldn't have asked for a better experience. Sure it scared the crap out of me, and made me question everything - but that's a good thing! If everyone tells you you're wonderful all the time, then it's probably time to get some new friends. Because real friends tell you when you're doing something wrong and headed in a bad direction. They tell you the things you don't want, but need, to hear. And this is exactly how I feel about everyone I spoke to at the club. To them, I may have just been the babbling girl in the green skirt, but to me they are all my new friends.

There were two things said at the Liars Club that I will forever carry in my pocket (said by Keith and Jon respectively):

"Don't apologize for who you are" and "I'm a f*cking writer!"

About today's guest-blogger:

Jessica Hunter is a book junkie, an aspiring author, a Whovian and a Gryffindor. She dabbles in web development and yoga, but writing has always been her passion. On most days she can be found 30,000 feet in the air, but you’ll also catch her with the South Jersey Writers' Group, at her blog or on her Instagram.

"The Malocchio" by Bruce Capoferri

Interview conducted by Marie Gilbert

The Steampunk Granny, Marie Gilbert, is back and she’ll be interviewing the authors featured in Hypothetical Press' first anthology called Reading Glasses.

Bruce Capoferri sells automobiles, but enjoys writing stories and songs in his spare time, and is currently working on a novel. He has had four autobiographical stories published in Primo magazine and one in Buona Salute. He lives with his wife Barbara, and cat Krikat.

Thank you, Bruce, for taking the time to do this interview. I’m happy to meet you and we have a few questions for the people out there.

Marie Gilbert: What got you started in writing? What was your inspiration to take pen to paper? What authors inspire you?

Bruce Capoferri: I have always been a storyteller. But I have to thank Miss Shepherd, my eighth grade English teacher, for recognizing it and encouraging me. I wrote a short story entitled "The Paradise Lost Affair" that she edited and submitted to a teacher’s magazine and got published. I wish I had gotten a copy of it, because it was the first time I was recognized for having some talent. I must also blame - I mean, thank - my fantastic coach and brother-in-law, Glenn Walker, for coaxing me into putting my stories down on paper and submitting them to magazines. I have to thank my wonderful wife, Barbara, for introducing me to H.P. Lovecraft, Phillip K. Dick, and a host of other fantasy and science fiction writers. Barbara is a children’s librarian and constantly supplies me with a wide variety of fodder for my imagination.


Marie: What type of stories do you enjoy writing about?

Bruce Capoferri: The first few stories I got published were autobiographical. I truly enjoy documenting my slightly askew memories of growing up next to my Italian grandparents in Elm NJ. But fantasy and science fiction is right up there as well. I guess it’s because I can make my characters say and do whatever my devious mind dreams up. I am in the process of finishing the last few chapters of my first novel and I’m enjoying wreaking mayhem and chaos so much I’m having difficulty reaching the conclusion.


Marie: Where did you get the inspiration for the story in Reading Glasses?

Bruce Capoferri: The inspiration for "The Malocchio" sprang from the Italian belief that someone can impart bad luck upon a rival or enemy with a malevolent glance. Over the years I have also heard this curse referred to as the Maloiks or the Maloikies. But, no matter how you may pronounce it, my story takes this old world superstition to a deadlier level.


Marie: One of our anthology editors, Amy Holiday, mentioned that you are working on a novel. Could you tell us a little about that?

Bruce Capoferri: "The Children of God and Men" sprang from a conversation I had with my cousin, Sandy Core, at a family reunion. She mentioned that a short story I had written, and shared with her, titled "Hitching a Ride on Borrowed Time" reminded her of an excerpt from the book of Genesis in The Bible. It portends that Angels (known as The Watchers) were sent to Earth by God to supervise the development of mankind. But finding the women of men attractive, the Angels took as many of the women as they wanted for wives resulting in the births of giants and men of renown (also known as Nephilim). In my research I discovered the banned Book of Enoch and then really became intrigued. The book allows me the opportunity to explore comparative religions and how worldwide myths and legends have shaped multi-cultural beliefs. If you enjoy reading stories about conspiracy theories, ancient alien influences and Native American prophecy mixed with apocalyptic action, you will love my book. By the way, did I mention it is also a dark comedy?


Marie: Do you belong to a writers’ group? If so, why and if not, why?

Bruce Capoferri: I'd like to consider myself a member of the South Jersey Writers' Group because it is the only one who has recognized me. It will also be the first entity to publish one of my stories in a hardback book. The difficulty I have is time to attend meetings. This is because I am a full-time automobile salesman and work most evenings. I do my best to keep in touch with what is going on, however, and read Writer’s Digest and similar publications. 


Marie: Was this the first Kickstarter that you ever participated in? What was it about our Kickstarter that made you want to help out?

Bruce Capoferri: Although I have submitted my manuscripts to various contests, this was the first one of this type.


Marie: Thank you, Bruce, for doing this interview.

Bruce Capoferri: I want to thank everyone at South Jersey Writers' Group and Hypothetical Press for making my dream a reality.

You can purchase Reading Glasses, featuring "The Malocchio" by Bruce Capoferri, in paperback here.

This interview previously appeared in a slightly different form on Marie Gilbert's blog, Gilbert Curiosities, right here.